Before we begin, the following should explain a little more about the post below. To start, I debated using one of these four titles:
1. Some more things you’ll never need to know about me.
2. If you’re not bored yet, you will be.
3. Hey, want to know something? I’m sorry.
4. Thoughts to be recycled from your brain immediately.
I went with something simpler, so here we go.
Things I cannot do.
Peel hard boiled eggs: one of life’s more challenging tasks. Though I’ve learned the perfect technique to hard boiling eggs several dozen times, I still manage to make the eggs look like craterous moons. Every.last.time.
See if you can do better: Place eggs in a pot, cover with water, bring to boil. Once boiling, cover the pot, remove from heat, and let stand for 12 minutes. Drain and place eggs in a bowl of ice water to cool them rapidly. This forces the white to pull away from the shell, making them easier to peel.
Return a library book. I probably should not share this self-deficiency since it makes me a borderline bad person, what with essentially robbing the sweet, sweet innocent and good-natured public library and all. The truth is, I can’t say for certain that I’ve ever returned a library book on time or at all. I have been blacklisted at nearly every library in New England and therefore denied a library card many times. True story. And yes, I am a soon-to-be published author.
Stick to any sort of specialty coffee budget. Ideally I’d limit myself to an iced coffee a few times a week, but that’s a fantasy I haven’t actualized in 27 years. The reality is I’m on a first name basis with every barista this side of the Mississippi. I make at least *one trip to Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts per day.
*and by one I mean two
Avoid buying each and every magazine on newsstands without ever opting for subscriptions- an act which would undoubtedly save me hundreds of dollars.
Favorites in order: US Weekly, People, O Magazine, Self, Shape, Psychology Today, InStyle
Swim. In any manner more dignified than an advanced doggy paddle.