I have standards.

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I’m currently penning a contract with my future apartment. I’ve realized I’m paying too much where I live now, even though I love it and feel like a queen, and so, I shall move.

Future apartment hasn’t read this contract yet, but I’m making my requirements mandatory. I have standards.

(Very few, but still).

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Since you’re my closest (read: only) friends, I thought you could help me look it over. Tell me how this sounds:

Obligations of Rental Property Number 3,458,082

Said property, the fourth in one, Andie Mitchell’s, [brazen] career attempts, shall hereby consent to and fulfill the following guidelines:

  1. Property shall be expansive enough in square footage to ensure that occupant is able to do no less than 3 (three) grapevines followed by 6 (six) jazz squares in continuum.
  2. Property shall have no less than 1 (one) window per room. Each window’s size shall be, as future occupant articulates, “big as sh&%.”
  3. Kitchen in future property will include:
    1. 1 (one) dish washer
    2. 1 (one) refrigerator with accompanying freezer unit
    3. 1 (one) microwave
    4. 8 (eight) cabinets
    5. 4 (four) drawers
    6. 1 (one) center island
    7. 8 (eight) bars of chocolate
    8. 1 (one) person to clean it

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  1. Bathroom in future rental space shall not contain tile nor grout that must be cleaned bi-monthly with a toothbrush so as not to look, as future occupant describes, “dingy as sh&%.”
  2. Bedroom in future rental space shall fit comfortably 1 (one) queen sized bed, 1 (one) bed frame, and no less than 5 (five) extra firm pillows.
  3. Rental space shall include no less than 3 (three) closets, which future occupant agrees to ensure are, “organized as sh&%.”
  4. Rental space shall not have carpeting.

Sub-obligation in compliance with obligation 7 (seven) of rental agreement: If rental space does indeed possess carpeting, future occupant is granted the right to never vacuum because of her condition, which has been disclosed by future occupant as, “lazy as sh&%.”

  1. Rental space shall be dog (canine)- friendly.

    Addendum: Future occupant does not currently own a canine, but reserves the right to stare and speak at length with canines residing within the building of rental space. Future occupant further reserves the right to “kiss their wet little noses” at her discretion, regardless of the canine owner’s personal limits of comfort.


  2. Rental space shall accept that future occupant will french fry potatoes on no less than 3 (three) occasions per week. It shall further be understood that future occupant will subsequently capture no less than 29 (twenty nine) photographs of said french fried potatoes.

10. Rental space shall not judge.

Tell me if I’m missing something. I’m open to your ideas.

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35 thoughts on “I have standards.

  1. Halley

    Awesome! I wish I had included the right to ‘kiss their little wet noses’ in my rental agreement.

    Cleaning in between tiles is sh&%ty

  2. Cait @ Beyond Bananas

    hahah .. what if there were 9 cabinets.. is that okay? lazy susans.. to me.. they count as 2 cabinets. they are rather large.. would that be okay if there were 7 plus that?

    i love your list!

  3. Angela @ Eat Spin Run Repeat

    Sounds like a good list to me! The kitchen cleaner and dishwasher are a must, as is the walk in closet. Maybe you should also add a walk-through pantry (to also be kept, as future occupant describes, “organized as sh*&t”?) ;)

  4. Caitlin

    You forgot to add that said windows should face both the east AND the west so that you have optimum light for photographing 40 shots of said french fries three times a week (and cake, gyros and other treats the other four.)

  5. Cindy

    what is it about a salty crispy french fry that makes me smile?

    or makes me addicted…or makes me nuts?

    Rental shall NOT judge indeed my sweet!!!!

    and yes, NO carpeting. sliding around in socks is too much damn fun. Ask my family!

  6. NanaBread

    Is it really right or really wrong that I not only know what grapevines and jazz squares are, but I’m mentally dancing that sequence to judge the size of said space? Also, you forgot to put in there that all neighbors of said future residence shall be “quiet as $#it” when future resident is exercising her right to beauty rest. Other than that, I think your post of “funny as $#it” and I now want french fries. Good ones.

  7. Shanna, Like Banana

    Oh my goodness this is too too funny!

    Apartment shall have at least 1 walk in closet that has holds the capability of stacking on less than 100 shoeboxes around it’s circumfrence.

  8. Gina

    Rental property shall include rooftop deck for future occupant to soak up every last bit of sunshine Seattle is willing to offer.

    Rental property shall be within walking distance to no less than 3 local coffee shops, 5 neighboorhood food establishments and 1 large green park.

    Love #10, ha!

  9. Online Sunshine

    Shower must have enough water pressure!!!
    Neighbors must be quiet when you’re sleeping!
    And neighbors must NOT knock on door asking for whatever it is that the smelled outside or through the walls!

  10. rae

    good luck with the apartment! please have your cleaning person visit my house after he/she’s done w/ yours…and have him/her bring some of those french fries too while he/she’s at it.

  11. Ashley C.

    As a law student about to take a 5 (FIVE) hour property exam worth 100% (ONE HUNDRED PERCENT) of my grade for the semester, I fully intend to use your “adjective as sh&%” standard on the landlord/tenant portion of my exam! :-)

  12. Kerry

    French fries are my WEAKNESS. And coke is my favorite soda. I pretty much want to live in your photographs. Which would be kind of awkward, given that it would mean living in your house, but I’m actually a really great roommate. The whole “I have a house and a husband” doesn’t really matter, right?

  13. iscribbler

    This is hilarious! We’re thinking about the same thing, but we’ll be staying at least another year and see how things go. Good luck with the hunt. :)

    Personally, I’ll be aiming for a washer and dryer. I’m tired of using the apartment’s facilities. And all those precious quarters!

  14. LizAshlee

    Hey there! I discovered your blog earlier this week and I think I am in LOVE! You are too cute! You’re funny! You make delicious food and take Gorgeous photos…can we be friends? :)

    Seriously, I love your blog! SO talented!! I made falafel burgers with tahini sauce tonight for dinner based on your recipe. Dinner was outstanding! Thanks for inspiring a DELICIOUS meal that was super simple!

    I just started blogging at lizashlee.com and I am SUPER happy to be sharing my passion for food and fitness…would love for you to check it out and let me know what you think? :)

    Have a great night!


  15. Honey @ Honey, WHat's Cooking

    hi.. what about washer and dryer? it’s a pain for me to go out, so I make sure I have one in the apt i’m renting.
    central heat/ac? this results in cheaper bills than paying electric.
    that’s all i can think of. I’m gonna link to you soon, i’m fixing up my site. i loveeeeeeeeeeee your blog.


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