I’m currently penning a contract with my future apartment. I’ve realized I’m paying too much where I live now, even though I love it and feel like a queen, and so, I shall move.
Future apartment hasn’t read this contract yet, but I’m making my requirements mandatory. I have standards.
(Very few, but still).
Since you’re my closest (read: only) friends, I thought you could help me look it over. Tell me how this sounds:
Obligations of Rental Property Number 3,458,082
Said property, the fourth in one, Andie Mitchell’s, [brazen] career attempts, shall hereby consent to and fulfill the following guidelines:
- Property shall be expansive enough in square footage to ensure that occupant is able to do no less than 3 (three) grapevines followed by 6 (six) jazz squares in continuum.
- Property shall have no less than 1 (one) window per room. Each window’s size shall be, as future occupant articulates, “big as sh&%.”
- Kitchen in future property will include:
- 1 (one) dish washer
- 1 (one) refrigerator with accompanying freezer unit
- 1 (one) microwave
- 8 (eight) cabinets
- 4 (four) drawers
- 1 (one) center island
- 8 (eight) bars of chocolate
- 1 (one) person to clean it
- Bathroom in future rental space shall not contain tile nor grout that must be cleaned bi-monthly with a toothbrush so as not to look, as future occupant describes, “dingy as sh&%.”
- Bedroom in future rental space shall fit comfortably 1 (one) queen sized bed, 1 (one) bed frame, and no less than 5 (five) extra firm pillows.
- Rental space shall include no less than 3 (three) closets, which future occupant agrees to ensure are, “organized as sh&%.”
- Rental space shall not have carpeting.
Sub-obligation in compliance with obligation 7 (seven) of rental agreement: If rental space does indeed possess carpeting, future occupant is granted the right to never vacuum because of her condition, which has been disclosed by future occupant as, “lazy as sh&%.”
- Rental space shall be dog (canine)- friendly.
Addendum: Future occupant does not currently own a canine, but reserves the right to stare and speak at length with canines residing within the building of rental space. Future occupant further reserves the right to “kiss their wet little noses” at her discretion, regardless of the canine owner’s personal limits of comfort.
- Rental space shall accept that future occupant will french fry potatoes on no less than 3 (three) occasions per week. It shall further be understood that future occupant will subsequently capture no less than 29 (twenty nine) photographs of said french fried potatoes.
10. Rental space shall not judge.
Tell me if I’m missing something. I’m open to your ideas.