What I miss from 135lbs Ago

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I miss some aspects of life when I was big. 135lbs ago.

I miss the reckless abandon.

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I miss the volume of food, the horizon of eats that lay before me on a table, knowing full well that the only thing stopping me was my fist-sized stomach. And even then there was always stretch.

I miss the way the fourth slice of pizza tastes. The fifth even more.

I miss bricks of brownie + ice cream + caramel + whipped cream + the crumblies of a Reese’s twosome. For a snack after lunch.

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I miss when menus at restaurants were just lists of delicious dinners. And nothing more nutritionally threatening.

I miss not thinking for more than four seconds before deciding that, why yes, I’d absolutely adore donuts for breakfast.

I miss plunging my forearm into a bucket of thrice buttered pop corn at the movie theater. Shoveling mouthfuls of salted and soggy kernels into my gullet. Then Snow Caps. Then Sprite.

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I miss brunching with sausage, egg, and cheese on greased and griddled everything bagels in the dining hall at college. With hash browns and a mind on lunch.

I miss all ten inches of that buffalo chicken pizza I called for when the party music stopped playing. And Kelis’ Milkshake.

I miss not caring when or how my next meal came, only that it came. And stayed. And never left.

I miss the way Cap’n Crunch-ed so loudly I couldn’t hear my dad hollering.

I miss that feeling I had when every fiber of my anatomy believed food to be the kindest, most loving spirit a girl could know.

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Read part 2 here…

Read part 3 here…

75 thoughts on “What I miss from 135lbs Ago

  1. Lizzie

    wow….you are a wonderful writer!! Thank you so much for sharing your story. My question is, how did you get rid of your arms?! Lately I’ve been walking, biking and running a lot. Just because. Then, I started to realize that I’ve been losing weight. Yay! I’m 5’3 and I was hitting 170lbs. So, now…i haven’t weighed myself but, I know that I weigh less because I had to get new jeans! But, my arms are not going away and now they look awesomely flabby and the stretch marks are beginning to appear. eek!! I don’t know what to do to lose my arms too. Anyway, I think this was WAY too much for a first “meeting”. But, keep up with the writing! Oh, and I’m going to try your lasagna cups as well!!! =)
    Thanks for being so awesome!

    Reply
    1. Lynne Baker

      You look wonderful! I recently lost over 70 lbs in 2 yrs time. I love to cook and bake and eat, but learned how to eat the right foods, and a lot of exercise and walking. I love this website, especially your chocolate recipes! I still splurge every Sunday by making some dessert and eating one piece of it. My family finishes it for me! Keep up the good work!

      Reply
    2. Mackenzie Schuler

      Have you tried investing in a ketel ball? I have one, and I have really toned up my arms since I invested in one! It’s a great purchase!

      Reply
      1. admin

        Hi Tanya,
        I was lucky, I suppose- my arms just got smaller as my whole body did. I have never spent much time strength training.
        Andie

        Reply
        1. Mildly Entertained

          How about the stomach? My biggest fear is that it’s to the point of beyond getting flat again. Or at least not without being one of those die-hard gym addicts who watches everything they eat (like the “Oxygen” girls. I feel like the years of binging and over-eating will never let it get back to natural and what it used to be.

          Reply
          1. Tyler

            I lost 20 pounds and i’ve lost 3 inches on my stomach. But nothing on my arms, i suppose just keep going at it and it will all tone down eventually.

  2. Kim

    Wow. You are such an inspiration. I am you. I am from that same mind… but I have lost 25 lbs and I will get to where you are. Congratulations.

    Reply
  3. Joanna

    OMGOODNESS!!! Reading the other parts of your site I honestly thought you were talking about how you shed a few dozen lbs but holy smokes! you look great! What an inspiration! :)

    Reply
  4. Dave

    Such a great post… So far I’ve lost 70lbs in 5 months (started at 368lbs and I’m about halfway to my goal), and I’m sort of at the point where I need to rejuvenate my inspiration. Reading your story has been that for me today. I’ve been on my journey long enough that turning back just isn’t even on my radar anymore, but it’s always good to feel re-energized for the next leg of the race. The perspective in your post about maintenance is much needed as well. Like you (and many others I assume) the thoughts, “what am I going to do once I reach my goal, and how will I avoid becoming just another cliché of a person who makes such a monumental change only to slip back within a matter of years?” are always in the back of my head. But I almost don’t even care because the perspective I’ve gained about myself already easily outweighs those doubts (pun intentional). Again, like you, I know I over-ate to (at least partially) fill a void. Mine was left by the death of my mother when I was young, and reinforced by other events and choices that simply kept the cycle of depression and coping with food going over the course of almost 20 years. I’m lucky to have found a sense of emotional stability a few years ago, but I just never bothered to tackle the old symptoms of over-eating to fill the void. Now I feel like I’m finally reforming my physical body to better represent the person I feel I’ve become on the inside. Reading your story, and seeing you now, helps reconfirm my resolve. On a side note, and not to sound insanely shallow, but you are proof that there is no substitute for great bone structure. You were already beautiful at 268. =) Keep doing what you’re doing gorgeous.

    Reply
  5. Nduku

    Wow…You sure lost a lot of weight and you look good. I’m not good with exercise, but I walk to and from work. Any tips other tips. I’m not big currently 9.6st, but I’d like to get to 8 st. Any good ideas. I eat well also. But my down fall is sugar and all its friends

    Reply
  6. Ria

    I lost 100 pounds, but I gained back 20, I’m working on losing that 20 again. Its a fight, but I love that I have the will to fight. Your article brought me back to that place, where I ate with reckless abandon. I can only think of how I shortened my life span. I can’t wait to try some of the recipes that you have here.

    Reply
  7. Jacqueline

    You are beautiful- you did such a great job losing weight and were pretty even before your loss. Inspiration to the rest of us for sure!

    Reply
  8. [email protected]

    Wow I love this! You have such a great story and I’m going to read the 2nd part now!

    Reply
  9. Todd

    OMG what a DOLL. You’re so pretty that you were a doll when you were fat! O.M.G.

    The problem with being drop-dead gorgeous, however, is that it can be a pain in the ass; you can probably start the list yourself. It’s another example of life’s innumerable trade-offs.

    But besides all this, congratulations. Losing big weight is a tough thing. Unless you go MY route, which was through cancerous cachexia (wasting). I could have eaten five huge pizzas a day and lost weight. And lose I did — from 210 to 157 the other day. (I’m 5’11”.)

    Congratulations, gorgeous

    Reply
  10. Cheryl

    You are such an amazing inspiration and it is nuts how I can relate to you in so many ways. I stumbled upon this story and it was exactly what I needed.
    I am on my own journey of weight loss and I have the same thoughts you had. “When I’m thin I’ll finally exist, be happy, succeed…etc.”
    Like you, I have always been big my entire life. That is all I have ever known, and you taught me that I shouldn’t be ashamed of this.
    I need to find happiness and identity AWAY from my body. I have defined myself by my body my whole life. But my body is just that. A body.
    My overweight body has housed my thoughts and emotions my whole life, so that is probably why I have identified myself by my weight. It is hard to separate my thoughts and emotions from body. I need to just let go of the blanket of security I find in hiding underneath my skin.
    I don’t know if any of this makes sense….
    Just know that you have taught me a lot about how to deal with probably one of the most emotional and physical changes I will ever experience.
    Thank you.

    Reply
  11. Erin

    You are stunningly beautiful sweetheart! Please watch cutting all sat fat out of your diet! Your body needs those. I know almonds and pb are good subs but your body needs cheese :)

    I had a hard time when my grandpa died. I exercise and eat fairly well but I was in the gym all the time and got really thin. Luckly I worked there and I had my boss pull me aside to ask if I was ok. She helped a lot.

    I’m glad you stopped counting calories. Listening to your body is the hardest thing to balance, if you’re craving sweets, that’s the time to add some fat in your diet. You’ll feel full pretty quickly plus if you run or walk, you will not see weight gain.

    one fitness lover to another. God bless

    Reply
  12. Jasmine

    Just discovered your blog… I’m going to be using it a LOT for inspiration. The only way I have been able to lose significant amounts of weight has been to not eat…. Hence the reason I always gain it back. I’m trying to make changes… and your blog looks like it will be a great helper. Thanks for inspiring… everyone :)

    Reply
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  14. Thea

    It’s such a relief reading my thoughts from someone who has made a success of getting their life / weight into gear.

    I’M NOT ALONE!

    Reply
  15. Cindy

    wow! you are amazing! I feel so motivated to start a new life, being in my late 20s and always struggling with weight is very comforting to know I am not alone in this change I am about to make for a healthy life.

    Thank you for your blog! :)

    Reply
  16. Jackie Ladner

    Your blog is such a inspiration to me. I am so happy I stumbled across your page today. I am passing your link around to everyone I know who is struggling. Congratulations to you on your success.

    Reply
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  18. Kayla

    Wow, You are so motivating. Im 5’2 and 165lbs. Which to me is 25 pounds too much. I smoke so running is nearly impossible and i like food alot and eating super healthy is difficult. I have told my self that after the holidays i was going to get my butt into gear and get in shape already. I just dont know where to start… HOw did you start?

    Reply
  19. Rana

    I am glad I stumbled upon your website. I too am in the same place as you. I lost 120, it took me years but it has stayed off for years and I thought that if I could just get to this “goal” I would be ok. When I hit that “goal” I made a new one and again until I realized that what I need is personal acceptance. I also felt that I was alone, everyone telling me I look great and not to lose any more weight because I would look sick (not true, I am at a healthy weight). Now my struggle is inside me, learning to be happy and as “normal” as I can. I am thankful for your blog. Keep up the good work!

    Reply
  20. Tammy

    I sit here in tears, as I read your blog. Though our stories are different the feelings you describe are the same. I have tried to get those emotions out sooooo many times and just couldn’t! I have lost 95lbs (from 225-130), and now up a bit from that goal weight. But you have motivated to get back on track. Thank you and God bless!

    Reply
  21. Caylee

    You look sooo amazing! You are my new inspiration. Your story makes me actually BELIEVE that I too can loose the weight. Thank you so much for this wonderful blog! <3

    Reply
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  23. Teresa

    I dont miss the food anymore. I miss my health. I had my surgery done way back before the warnings were given. I hope they in formed you about later on of the ulcers. the vitamins or lack there of. the valves and the pancreas problems. the kidney trouble the …. well its not just me. my specialist and the others like me have studied the statistics . we have talked with numerous “locals” that had this done 5 to 10 years ago… many of use now are very ill. i for one have gone down from 365 to 200 for 8 years , which was good at the time for my age. now ive lost so much more( 130) i look like an elephant skin. im sick to the point im on so many meds. like i said im just one of the few that are sick here. you look good but i hope you are one of the lucky ones. enjoy it while you can. you are young.

    Reply
    1. Erin

      Did I miss something? I’m pretty sure she lost her weight without surgery… If she lost a lot of weight over a long time period, which it appears she did- by eating well and working out, then there’s no reason to think her health is a concern.

      Reply
  24. Laura

    You are such an amazing motivation! I have been trying to lose weight for a few years now but I have been trying and failing. Unfortunately, I just love food! I do not eat that much during the day, I just have low metabolism. I am 5’7″ and weight 178 lbs. I would like to get down 145 lbs. for now.

    One of my struggles is that I’ll buy healthy food and eat it and only it for a week or so then it’ll go bad really fast! It’s a waste of time and money! And, I usually eat out to dinner twice on the weekends. Which is very difficult to eat healthy at restaurants!

    Any motivational tips are welcome! :)

    Reply
  25. Dulce Dralle

    Have been encouraged with your blog. Thank you. I thought you mentioned a book you had read regarding our emotional state and over eating. Could you give me book name and author? Blessings for the new year.

    Reply
  26. Pingback: Check it out: An inspiring blog about losing 135 lbs and keeping it off « He Has Eyes

  27. raquel

    wow this is inspirational, I thought when I bumped on your blog is just to browse some wonderful recipe but when I read this post it is really inspire me I weigh 90 lbs when I was teenager and starting to increase as I grow old but i retain my weight in 125 but I think I am big for that…I hope as I go along on your blog I could also loose weight the way you do.

    Reply
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  30. Sarah

    You, my dear, are such an inspiration. Not just in the “look how much weight this gal lost” way but you are incredibly profound in your writing. We have a lot in common with our childhood and turning to food as comfort, a babysitter, and best friend. I was a little girl who had to shop in the adult section way before my time and was humiliated to be seen by elementary classmates shopping in the cool kid section. I am now nearing the end of my 20’s and I fear at 5 foot 8 I am currently sitting at 205 pounds.

    A few years ago I got down to 165lbs and felt pretty great. I still wasn’t at my goal but I looked good, felt good, etc but you are right, it didn’t fix me. I still had anxiety, depression, low self esteem and still relapsed to emotional eating. This is why I am back at 205lbs today, 3 years after reaching a number I never imagined.

    The reason I’m giving you this history is because I know I have an emotional food dependency and it sounds like you did as well. How did you go about breaking it, or at least controlling it? I know people say counseling and other therapy helps but I’m going to be honest, therapy is not a cupcake so how the hell does it replace that need for butter, sugar, and instant happiness? I can get motivated to workout, to restrict my diet for a few weeks, but there is always the binge that comes after. Do you have any advice for a emotional food addict who has tried just about all the alternatives in the book?

    Reply
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  32. kathleen

    in january 2009 last year of college, i looked down at the scale and weighed 300lbs… i was so embassed considering a friend was weighing me and i thought i hid it well… i tried to lose weight and gained 15lbs… i finally quit e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. (except drinking alcohol and eating lots of veggies…) i quit eating meat, quit eating bread, quit smoking and picked up walking and running as did you. lost 70lbs got pregnant and lost another 85lbs after my son was born! so over 2.5years i lost 155 lbs! i still didnt quite feel i was thin, still had weight to lose, but then this thing called life happened and i gained 25lbs… now im feeling worse about myself and feel like iver never lost weight to begin with… do you ever feel this way? anyways, i think i found your blog just in time. im an artist and i work in a kitchen and love food. i love everything about food, it can be so beautiful and delicious. so its amazing to find another woman so full of life that shares my interests and has been through a weightoss adventure. blah blah blah this is getting long. but Thank You for sharing. really!

    Reply
  33. jenny williams

    ive made this blog a favorite of mine as the serious part of me LOVES food and cooking. reading your struggles with weight, and weight loss kicked me in the head. i signed up at curves last year and lost 30lbs (im 6 foot, no-one thought i needed to lose weight cept my husband the asshole – he liked me strung out skinny lol). by summer, i lost the weight due to working out every day and i looked great and felt great. then came summer…. and the pool and wearing shorts for the first time in years (im a biker, my legs havent seen the light of day in ages lmao. my best bud and i spent the summer at the pool and forgot about the club…. im sure you know where im heading with this :/

    so here i am, still 6 foot and have gained all the weight back and then some, and working at a fast food restaurant didnt help me very much but i’ve gotten better at restraining myself from a donut or sammich, but the iced tea is a non negotiable. due to circumstances beyond my control i may have to lose my membership but what you’ve said about walking is the best exercise of all and is something im going to start up post haste, pronto and soon (we’re moving).

    im looking forward to trying your recipes, and following along your journey!

    jenny

    Reply
  34. Nancy

    For the record, you were beautiful before and you are beautiful now.

    Thanks for sharing your story. We all need to understand our relationship with food. I’ll be learning from you.

    Thanks you!

    Reply
  35. Michele Overturf

    I am currently fighting not only Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue and severe Osteoartheritis,and all the weight I have gained due to not only the steroids they have had me on, but the fact that I can not exercise because of the extreme pain.
    I am not an overeater, but moving is a challenge… any suggestions that might help… I am starting a water arobics class in June and hoping that this will help get someof the weight off… I am only 5’2″ 200 lbs and just turned 57

    Reply
  36. Cindy

    I love, love, love your realistic and honest approach to weight loss, maintenance, and healthy eating (with realistic splurges).
    Thank you for being so honest and real.

    As someone who very slowly finished losing 85 pounds four years ago (15 years after losing it the first time–but with 8 years of maintaining it in between), I appreciate your candor.

    Cindy

    Reply
  37. Nicole

    I cried pretty much the entire time I read this… You are absolutely amazing. You have written down so many things that I had felt for so long and reading this just hit so close to home. It is amazing how much your words and your story have impacted me. Your story has inspired me beyond belief. And I found it really neat that our starting weight is exactly the same. I have lost 103 lbs so far and have a little bit more to lose, and anytime I need a little extra motivation or inspiration, I read your story again and it really helps. Thank you for being such an inspiration. You are a blessing.
    I hope I can be to someone like you’ve been to me.

    <3 Nicole

    Reply
  38. Latin Products

    Wow! You are truly an inspiration. Not only are you a great writer as others have mentioned, but you share your experiences to help others. Thank you so much for doing your part in a changing world. Thank you and keep up the good work!

    Reply
  39. Rachel

    First off, I was so touched by this blog when I came across it yesterday! I was near tears in the back room of my work when I read it on my cell. I am going through a very similar journey and it’s reassuring to know I am not the only one who has gone through this.

    As I lose weight I keep getting bright red stretch marks on my belly, hips/legs and arms – some days they feel like enough to discourage me from keeping up my progress. It’s like by body is scarring itself and I feel so overwhelmed by them. They weren’t there before I started this journey! Did you have to deal with stretch marks during your weight loss? If so, what did you do to deal with them?

    Thank you again for posting your story! you are such an inspiration and positive role model!

    Reply
    1. Latin Products

      Dont give up Rachel. I loved reading this blog as well and it really does motivate. What i used to and continue to treat my stretch marks were a number of things. Collagen capsules for one in unison with Vitamin E cream and Vitamin E oil. That really helped me alot. Keep going our health is worth it!

      Reply
  40. Mandy

    I just commented on your depression article and as I am exploring other areas I see that you have lost 135 pounds. Fabulous! I am 30 pounds down, 70 to go. =)

    Reply
  41. Amy

    So I’m curious. After losing so much weight – did you have to get skin removal surgery?

    I’m hoping to avoid it – but at the same time I know that with as much as I am working on losing (about 100-120) it may end up needing to happen . . . hoping I’m still young enough to have pretty elastic skin though.

    Reply
  42. Nakita

    I absolutely love the honesty of this page. I am 60 pounds down (was 70 at a point, with a goal of 80) and can relate to this. There are so many things I miss about being big. Really just everything except, well, being big. And knowing how easily it is to fall back into old habits and gain weight back (hence the 60 now, used to be 70) makes it even harder to except that I can never have those eating “luxuries” again. But it helps remind me that I can either eat what I want when or want, or I can be thinner. Thanks for this blog, I love it!

    Reply
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  44. Amy

    I miss the way Cap’n Crunch-ed so loudly I couldn’t hear my dad hollering.

    You have no idea how much I can relate to this.

    Reply
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  46. jamie

    I lost 105 lbs 5 yrs ago. UyOu can’t think of it as dieting it’s a lifestyle change. I love what I eat now- clean foods and boutniful veggies and fruit. With red wine and chocolate in moderation whic are very good for you. Thanks 4 the recipes

    Reply
  47. Pingback: Control Freak: What I Miss About Being Fat | Negotiating with Chaos

  48. Kristen

    It is funny because at my heaviest I was 275 and until I decided to be strict about healthy living and exercise this year I fluctuated between 12/14/16 in size. I agree with the I miss having junk food or not limiting myself to one slice of pizza or buffalo wings but I do not miss my pants being snug or being around my hot skinny friends feeling like the fat one. Everything you said I have felt. Although I would not mind squeezing into a 6 I am a comfortable size 8 and I love that I am smaller then some of my friends who were once skinnier than me(sounds bitchy but I love it ha ha ha) and I do not feel like the fat friend. Great blog.

    Reply
  49. Molly

    I love this! I hate how so many people lose all this weight and are like I am 100% happy and I don’t miss anything about my old life. Of course it is easier to go through a drive-thru or eat whatever is in front of you. That never changes. It is just about thinking constantly about making the right decision now

    Reply
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  56. emma

    I love this! This is a very impressive post which can inspires thousands who try to lose excessive weight.If you don’t take care of your excess body fat, you’re walking around with a time bomb ticking in your body, just waiting to explode and ruin your life.People used to give me looks in the grocery store, like I was some evil person. Even when I was picking up healthy food items, they stared me down.

    People actually thought I had given up.

    But I was trying everything I could think of to lose weight!
    I tried hundreds of diets, and some of them worked… but the fat just came back after a few weeks. Even when I ate natural foods, I couldn’t shed the pounds.

    I was exercising like you wouldn’t believe, sometimes even for two hours a day. (As it turns out, exercising too much was one of my biggest problems!)

    I felt terrible. I was in pain all the time. I didn’t want to get out of bed.

    But I was determined to find the solution I needed.

    Finally, I did.
    You may read my struggle here https://goo.gl/y1wp4V if you are interested. Definitely, we can burn fats. Believe that!!!!

    Reply

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