Tomorrow would have been our second baby’s due date. And of course, no bags are packed. The nursery isn’t set up. No plans were made. I miscarried in October and no baby will be born this spring. It’s strange and bittersweet to arrive at May 13th and remember the hope I had last fall and then how immediately we lost it. It was one of the hardest times of my life, physically and emotionally. I was so fortunate to get pregnant again and that helped me heal. I started looking towards the future instead of dwelling on the past and what I wished had been. But today I couldn’t help but think of the baby I will never meet.
By the time the due date comes for a miscarried pregnancy, most people have probably moved on. As supportive as family and friends are in difficult times, we can’t expect people to grieve our losses for as long as we carry them. So I can imagine this is probably a really difficult time for most women. In my case, I feel so lucky that I was able to get pregnant again and everything has been going well this time around. I still grieve the baby I lost and I want to make sure I never forget him.
I am looking forward to the future, but at the same time it makes me a little sad. I’m so, so thankful that this pregnancy is going well and my baby appears to be healthy. But I know once this new baby comes in September, the memory of the baby we lost will fade. After having James, I know all children have their unique personalities for their parents to discover and enjoy. We will never know what he looked like when he smiled or the sound of his laugh. I’m sad he wasn’t healthy enough to grow older and experience the love that was waiting for him.